Obviously we all knew that Scorpios were going to come in as the most crazy exes. Scorpios are dangerous because they mask their darkness with humor, but never be fooled, as it is just a farce. Whereas other signs will be the type to call you 17 times in one night or cry at your doorstep for months post-split, Scorpios will basically recede into their old life, seething at you quietly, putting a hex on your family and watching intently as you move on from them. They take everything you do after you’re broken up as a transgression against them. Oh, you’re going on a trip without me? Oh, you’re dating so-and-so? Of course you are. Just know that even if you haven’t heard from your Scorpio ex, they are watching you, and they are still mad.
Leos make crazy exes because breakups bruise their egos. It’s bad enough to have to deal with the humiliation of telling everyone they know that they’re out of yet another relationship, but the whole idea that you could not want them, or not even want to at least try to make it work, is so upsetting to them that they end up lashing out at you in ways they don’t really mean. It’s not that Leos are inherently bad people, it’s that when they love someone, they adopt them into their identity, and losing that is just a really painful process. Ergo, insanity ensues. You will be hearing from your Leo exes. And you will be hearing from them often.
Geminis rank third on the list of most insane exes because they are just so up in their feelings after the breakup they don’t know what to do with themselves. It’s not even so much that your Gemini ex is still in love with you (they might be, though) it’s that they have relied on you for so long to help sort through their feels that they’re lost without a voice of reason in their lives. In fact, they’re probably still holding on for that reason exactly: they don’t want to go at life alone. Geminis are crazy exes because they are polarizing. One minute they still love you, the next they are okay being friends, the next they are sending paragraph long explanations of exactly why they are annoyed at you and all of the supporting evidence that makes their irritation valid.
Virgos, like Scoripos, rank pretty high on the crazy ex list for the same reason: they are the ones you don’t expect. On the surface, your Virgo ex is so chill about everything that went down, and yet boiling not far under the surface are all of their paranoid and explosive tendencies. Virgos are notorious overthinkers, which means that they are also the exes you really need to watch out for. They’re the type to let all of their irrational thoughts simmer for just long enough that one day they lash out at you and you won’t even know what happened to prompt it. (Nothing happened, they just need to tell you that they hate you, which is something they’ve thought about every day for the past 2 weeks.)
Pisces are the most emo exes. They are the most dramatic about, uh, everything, but especially when they are forlorn over love. They might send you a rando 2 a.m. text here and there, but mostly you will have poetry written about you, they’ll stare at the sky and listen to early 2000s music while imagining meeting you in the afterlife to discuss your fated encounter, and then will culminate all of their repressed pain into either the most inspired art you’ve ever seen, or just sheer, unadulterated anger.
Cancers land squarely in the middle of the “chill to crazy” scale because they are equal parts genuinely able to disengage with past partners once relationships have run their course, and yet at the same time there exists within them a desire for vengeance that ends up spiraling into some form of self-doubt. Cancers are the most emotional sign of the zodiac, but they are also the ones who are most connected with the home, with relationships, with loyalty, with partnership. They are, of course, also the CRAB, which isn’t any small part of what makes up their attitude. Of all the signs, Cancers probably have the hardest time with losing love, but they are also pretty good at rebounding for themselves. They know that there are other fish (crabs?) in the sea, and they’ll be able to have the experience they long for, just not with the person they left.
Capricorns get indignant when they lose love. They are on the lesser side of the crazy scale because they aren’t going to lash out at you but they also aren’t going to just sit back and take it. Capricorns are structured and self-driven, and usually channel all of their energy into trying to make themselves better or better their lives in some quantifiable, visible way. Know that a Capricorn processes everything by taking on an overwhelming amount of self-improvement, it’s how they feel in control again. Eventually they will move on and come to see you as slightly beneath their newly enlightened selves and all will be just in their universe once more.
Libras are romantics, which is oddly enough what serves them after a breakup. They know that they can find love again, and then they, you know, do. Libras are also rather vain, and they strongly dislike the idea of coming off as the “crazy ex.” It just isn’t a cute look, and above all else, Libras want to maintain some air of beauty and balance even if they are in the pits of their own misery. So, basically, it’s not that a Libra isn’t a crazy ex, it’s just that they’re very unlikely to let off how much they are still obsessing over you. They also move on quickly, or at least make it seem like they are moving on quickly. Either way, they create the illusion of rebounding fast and hard, and somehow, it works.
The funny thing about an Aquarius is that when they break up with you, they really don’t feel it as much as other people do. Like, yes, they can be heartbroken but they won’t internalize it the way other signs will. They will instead just channel all of that energy into some other productive pursuit, and you probably won’t even know how hurt they really are. (This is, ironically, also what leads to the downfall of a lot of their relationships: an inability to express or show their true feelings.) They rank low on the crazy scale because they are just easily disengaged from it all. They have projects to work on, you know?
The Tauruses of the world maybe should have ranked a little bit higher on the crazy scale, but they won’t, because they are too inclined to make things seem steady on the surface that they end up deluding themselves into thinking they’re more happy post-split than they really are. At the end of the day, a Taurus ex is someone you’re very unlikely to hear from. They are going to move onto bigger and better things. Even if they’re feeling it a lot, they’re not going to act out or really let you know, that’s just not their style. However, be warned that once you cross them, there’s no going back. These people (sorta) forgive, and absolutely do not forget.
Sags are chill exes. They are like, ouch wow I’m upset about this, and then a few minutes later are like, ok so let’s climb a mountain and backpack in Peru and read a book about reincarnation. They’re just the least likely to internalize heartbreak, and the most likely to find anything better to do than sit around and mope about their feelings. Sags are just well-rounded people, FAR more than any other sign. They’ll get over it quickly, but they’ll also probably be the most willing to casually hook up again afterwards.
When an Aries leaves you, they just do not even care. Do not eff with an Aries’s heart because they will just be like “alright, peace” and that will pretty much be the end of it. Aries intellectualize life, and so when it occurs to them that you are incompatible or that your relationship isn’t headed anywhere, staying together seems like an illogical thing to do, and if it is an illogical thing to do, why would you sit around and worry about it? It just doesn’t make any sense, so they just move on. 10/10 most chill exes. 10/10 least likely to care about getting back together.