I’m Sorry For Not Letting You Go

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I want to break free from my past, from my fears. I want to forgive myself for all the mistakes that have been done—although none of them were mine.

I want everyone to understand me when I say that I can’t give myself to anyone completely.

I want to admit I’m not strong. I want to admit I’m vulnerable. I want to admit that I’m completely fine with that.

I want to keep moving on and fighting without those iron chains wrapped around my heart and my mind.

The least I can tell you is…

I’m sorry I tried so hard.

I’m sorry that I let so many things slide.

I’m sorry that I forgave you the first time.

I’m sorry that you forgave me.

I’m sorry that I stayed for such a long time.

I’m sorry that I didn’t see what was at stake—at least a bit earlier…

I’m sorry that I let that toxic relationship have such an impact on me that I was unable to think or to get myself together for months.

For so long, I’ve been putting up with your frustrations and the fact you were unhappy with your life. And now, when I’m finally free, I can’t find the right path to walk on because of my own frustrations—because you saw things that weren’t there and because I’m unable to trust anyone.

Time is a b**ch. So much time has passed and it’s going to pass—but still, my wounds won’t heal so easily. They won’t heal because I, unfortunately, loved you.

I’m sorry that you emotionally broke me. I’m sorry that I started trusting every word you said.

I started believing in things you said about me, in what I meant to you, and in the poor and weak silhouette of a woman which I was to you.

I’m sorry you said only the worst about me while I did the exact opposite.

I’m sorry others bought your story. I’m sorry I didn’t do anything about it because I only wanted your friends to like me.

I’m sorry you over-exaggerated every single one of our stories.

I’m sorry I didn’t let you run in the arms of another woman.

I’m sorry that I didn’t put up with your threats.

I’m sorry I let you set boundaries.

I’m sorry I didn’t allow you to hide me and make me a prisoner in my own house.

I’m sorry I didn’t see that you were bad for me.

I’m sorry that you found the strength to keep insulting me. Day after day, again and again…

I’m sorry for letting your words hurt me.

I’m sorry I was coming home beaten and tired.

I’m sorry I didn’t text you back right that second you texted me.

I’m sorry I didn’t answer the phone right that second you called me to check with whom and where I am.

I’m sorry that it made you angry.

I’m sorry that you yelled at me every day because I did something wrong. Something you thought was wrong. Something that didn’t suit you.

I’m sorry you didn’t find what you were looking for.

I’m sorry I made myself believe everything will go away—that we’re going through a rough patch.

I’m sorry I let you treat me like that.

I struggle every day. I fight with my own thoughts. I don’t want to think of you and all the people I lost when I lost you.

I’m done lying to myself that everything is fine and that I’m not hurting. And believe me, I am—I’m hurting hard.

I guess all I wanted to say is that I’m sorry I didn’t realize earlier I’m allowed to say ‘NO’ to you. I’m allowed to walk away from you and never look back.

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