Does love always have to be perfect? The answer is obvious, because if you ask the question so directly, pretty much everyone will shake their heads and say no. So why do so many people still have this claim to love and relationships?
“Everything was perfect.” At least for a moment. And that’s what matters. Small, individually perfect moments. Because these show us that the partner makes an effort, that we are important to him and that he wants to make us happy. Because then he’s happy too. This is how love works. But it also includes friction. Quarrel, tears, jealousy. Because these are also signs of deep feelings, without which a relationship would not work. If everything just shifts and there are no ups and downs, then the habit comes into play. It is not everyday life that kills love, it is not habit either. It is indifference and disrespect. To become inattentive to the partner and to no longer give him the time and attention that is actually due to him. Of all people to whom we have chosen to give him our love, in whom we put our hopes for the future and our happiness. Because a relationship shouldn’t expect anything less than that. Or is that too optimistic, too exaggerated, too much expected?
How much optimism does love actually need? And when does love go blind? On the one hand, when we access what we have learned and can learn about love, there is the media representation. Soap operas that show us in the evening program the beautiful side of being in love and also the smiling face of hurt and disappointed feelings. All major Hollywood films, on the other hand, show us “true love”. Because it always finds its way. And you can absolutely rely on that because there is no way around finding the right people to find each other. It would be nice! Because – welcome to reality – every year tens of millions of people give up, are grateful, if they can find anyone to fight loneliness with them, people live in partnerships, Although they are no longer happy and only stay out of fear of being alone, parents decide that it is better for the children to stay together. And where is the perfection? Isn’t there great love after all?
“That’s where the relationship really starts.”
Each couple usually tells the roughly similar story of getting to know each other: from the beginning you found yourself very sympathetic, you began to think more about the other at a certain point in time. In the end, you dated yourself nervously and then switched to in-depth conversations that resulted in you letting yourself in and then someday venturing into a relationship. And then it starts. In most cases we want to show the partner how perfect we are. They go out of their way to cook, walk, laugh, free up time and, above all, blast away. Over time, the first quirks will show up. There is trouble in paradise, because everything is not that perfect. One does not report enough, the other is disappointed. The new girl has a “small” alcohol problem, which manifests itself every weekend in such a way that the partner has to spend the Sunday with her in hangover mode or just alone. Reality arrives and the perfect masonry crumbles. Behind the facade, the person who we really are and whom we have tried to hide or optimize in such a way that a more amiable version of ourselves comes out is slowly emerging. And only now is it decided who really stays together. Because only now you know who you have in front of you. Whole guys are suddenly sitting in front of their friends with big problems, trying to keep up the last rest of the shiny Sunnyboy they want to be. Seasoned women sit sobbing in front of their partners because they have to admit to each other, that they’re not as tough and confident as they always have been. That is where the real relationship begins. Because from now on it’s really about the two individuals as they are.
Nevertheless, there are extremely many people who think they should always please their partner and be the perfect partner who always supports, radiates outwards and always has his back free. And then there are also those who think they have to keep the beautiful appearance at least to the outside. As long as this does not disturb the inner life of the relationship, it is possible, albeit fairly meaningless. What happens if you just sit down and admit that things don’t always go perfectly and according to plan? If you sometimes criticize the partner, question him and thus promote his (and also your) personal development? Then does a spike break out of your crown? No. And at best, you’ll be rewarded with a stronger partnership, a better bond, and a more honest self-image. Because why do we always want to appear as perfect as possible? Perfect is boring and inauthentic. And that’s exactly what love is not. Love is never boring, but it is always authentic.